People sick

I think I am starved. Not physically starved but emotionally. Today the internet was down, Praise Jesus. Today the internet was down and when my husband came home from work we didn’t even know what to do with each other. What will we do tonight? Well Eric needed to run an experiment so he took off to the lab and I did all that there was to do, read. I read Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist. Reading her words somehow always touches something deep within me and makes me laugh and cry along with inspiring me to write for myself. Reading about all her dinner parties and cooking with friends made me wish I was doing that more often. Reading about her weekend getaway catching up with old friends left me hungry for that type of soul nourishment. I crave that kind of conversation. The kind that starts from the other side of the bathroom door, sitting on the floor eating Oreos and entertaining your friend. The kind that starts and ends with laughter but has tears that lead to ugly crying, a big ol’ ugly crier sandwich. The kind that leaves you feeling raw and real and alive despite all the pain that you have now become acutely aware of. The kind that sparks epiphanies just from speaking through life with someone who knows you so deeply. It’s that time of year again. I miss family and friends. I miss the potential late night kitchen talks, the Saturday afternoon driving talks, and the aimless walking talks over ice cream. I miss the familiar bike paths and recipes that despite not being what I want all the time
are home to me and will always mean comfort. I long too for Jesus and going home to be with him. My heart hurts being in this world and being ever vigilant and wary of temptations and being surrounded by pain and suffering. The constant motive checking and daily reviews. I’ve been reading my bible more lately despite the fact that even if it lays open on the coffee table is still hard to pick up because the sense of obligation still lingers from past monotony and lack of love. However, I am comforted by it and truly enjoy reading it. The bonds of obligation are slowly being shed and replaced with light hearted loving joy. But it has been a long road. I have taken to gorging myself in the evenings and can never get enough food even though I’m not particularly hungry for anything at all nor enjoying what I eat. I think this is a poorly directed attempt at filling my lonely, empty feeling heart. The bible helps, and praying helps, and my old friends I can talk to via Facebook help a lot. But let’s be honest I’m people sick… Sigh.

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