So here I am again. Starting sentences with “so” like I always do. I talked this big talk about writing everyday and then what happens? A bunch of time goes by and no posts. Well partially due to the fact that the Daily writing prompt is MIA from my reader…wtheck? :'(. Also I’m just lazy and forget. So anyways, why I blog. I blog to find my voice, I blog to get my thoughts down because writing seems to offer just the right pace to think thoughts and produce them in an organized way, and mamI write for myself. But truthfully there is a more pressing need for me to blog. Probably about a year ago God put it on my heart to journal and I have been sooooo less than faithful in that. So many times I feel like I go through life without being fully aware of what is happening. Blogging is a way to journal with a purpose because maybe someone somewhere will read it. I prefer writing to someone even if it’s not specified. If it’s just me I know I will never re read it and if others might read it I’ll be self conscious and embarrassed enough later to read it again. And it’s on the web so I won’t lose it into the abyss of papers or files. So moving on from why’d write to just writing ( great transition sentence huh).
Lately I have been searching for a passion. Not just my “passion” for fitness and health but not completely unlike it. I have come to terms with the fact that we cannot afford further education for me at this point so any more schoolin’ will have to wait. In some ways this is comforting and takes the pressure off. I can rest assured that I have a purpose in supporting my family while Eric finishes his education. At the same time I feel like I could be doing something more exciting for a job or in my spare time to serve those around me. For so long serving sounded like a chore to me, which is probably why I jumped into youth ministry despite it not really being my cup of tea. It was a good experience that yielded lasting relationships that I cherish but it never gave me a sense of fulfillment or sparked passion within me. I want that. I want to be involved in something that uses my strengths and pushes me to refine them. I want something that gets me excited and makes me want to research it in my spare time. I want something that on my worst day is still what drives me. I want to live life in a big way. Not necessarily flashy. I remember when I was younger having the sense that there were big things in store for me. I think it was God talking and I think the fact that I likely won’t be a rock star or YouTube star won’t stop me from living life in a big way. I’m off to a good start with being naturally sensitive. Emotions are felt in a big way. I want to love big and to be present with others in a big way. I want to be conscious of my decisions and their consequences. I want to be open and honest with others and myself with a balance of truth and grace. I want to stop fearing and start really living. Part of that involves putting my electronics down and being more purposeful about their use. Blogging is all part of that. Blogging is where that all starts. And here is where my big thoughts fizzle out. So hopefully I can keep being faithful with my blogging and uncover these big plans on Gods timing and not miss any cues.