Eric and I have always operated as individuals and have always had parts of our lives that were separate from each other. We never suffered from the “we” complex … Although I just said we…. Anyways. At parties we would mingle with everyone and sometimes the only time we saw each other was the ride to and from whatever occasion. I have always appreciated that about us as a couple. Eric goes away with guy friends and I am free to go to on excursions like Jenna’s cabin for the weekend. But as much as it’s easy to remember we are individuals in that regard I sometimes have a hard time remembering and acting like we are individuals in other aspects of our lives. As I get older I realize more and more the insane amount of expectations I place on myself and unfortunately I think that my striving for perfection gets saddled on Eric a good amount of the time. I think I bulldoze over who Eric is in the pursuit of what is important to me, assuming that it is important to him in the same way. Part of marriage is, I think, the fine tuning of shared and individual priorities and how can we hold each other accountable to these values in a way that is honoring and respectful if who that person is. Chores, budget, ambitions, all legitimate things that couples need to know where each other stands and what the shared goals are. But things like nutrition and general health can’t be a dictatorship from one partner to the other just because it’s important to one of them. That’s a case where actions speak louder than words. I think my relationship would be a lot happier if I would just accept and let go of when Eric does or doesn’t do something that disappoints me and stop being disappointed by the things that he does differently than I would have. If I could accept that I am not perfect either and that we all just do our best and lucky for me Eric doesn’t complain about … well almost anything I do. I’m going to try to do better at not holding anyone to the standard of perfection, including myself. Life is too short. Try your best but everyone fails. I know I do, I fail hard and often. But what can you do but give grace and move on. I think I have such a hard time accepting grace from God and others because I am so stingy with it when it comes to allowing myself to have any from myself.
Lately I have been feeling alive. Since my latest job pursuit fell through I have a renewed sense of life. I can’t explain why but just listening to blaring music with the windows down on the way to the gym is more than enough for me. I’m disappointed that I haven’t been in constant communication with my creator more but there’s always right now. I love this alive feeling that is so much more abundant in summer. Today it hit me again that I live in California and that as much as sometimes I really want a house so that I can have a garden and so that I don’t have to share walls with other families I am happy here. I am happy in this apartment with these two cats and my amazing husband and our great new friends that are becoming old friends. It’s such an exciting time. I want to do more living and less planning. Less dwelling and obsessing and organizing. More laughing and doing and loving well. Yup I think it’s time for a season of a light yoke. If that lines up with the big guys plan.
We shall see.